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20131130
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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 142 (some duplicates have been removed)
us. we're very excited about that. [cheers and applause] but real quick off the top i don't know if you happened to be near a television set today -- [laughter] -- although clearly you are at one right now. that was a stupid opening, wasn't it? [laughter] but you might have heard the big news out of the senate. >> harry reid is poised to the launch the nuclear option. >> jon: noooo! no, harry don't -- there's still good in this world. [ laughter ] don't kill us all. [ laughter ] what is the nuclear option, by the way? >> the nuclear option means that it would only take 51 votes, a simple majority to get -- overcome this filibuster threat. [laughter] >> jon: oooooooh. [ laughter ] so deciding to allow majority rules to ings. ally -- incrementally increase government efishcy is so extreme it's the nuclear option. it's just like hero -- hiroshima of voting. how will mitch mcconnell counter? >> mr. president, i move to adurn the senate until 5:00 p.m. and ask for the yeas and nays. >> jon: hey, everybody is it just me or does it feel like quitin time? a-yeah, let's all head home a li
william gross. >> ordinary folks, the 99%, don't have any money anymore! the rich 1% and corporations do. developed economies work best when inequality and incomes are at a minimum. >> stephen: that is a sobering thought. metaphorically, of course. as soon as i heard it i got drunk. (laughter) the point is i'm choosing to believe that income inequality isn't as big a deal and doesn't need to change. here to tell me it is a big deal and needs to change is former labor secretary for president clinton and star of the new documentary "inequality for all" robert reich. mr. reich, thank you so much for joining us. (cheers and applause) you were on the show about three years ago sounding the alarm warning if we didn't do something it would tank economy or cause a revolution. three years later i'm richer than ever. i assume you're back here to apologize. >> no, i didn't tell you exactly when it would tank the economy and cause a revolution. i said if we continue in the same direction it's dangerous for the economy and dangerous for our democracy and i still think it is very dangerous. >> stephen
of the finger. (cheers and applause) folk, i don't have to till the kids have lost out of what is important, all they care about is their tweeting and their twerking, rubbing your butt against things should be reserved for revenge against your boss. that's why personally i'm grateful our kids have one reliable source of good values, television ads. >> today we're taking some kids on the best field trip they could wish for, and they done even know it. >> hi, guys. i'm ranger brad. welcome aboard. we're not going to waste any time. let's play name that leaf. what's this one? he says it is an oak leaf. it is a field maple, that's okay. i'm a big fan of trees, i done know if you can tempt but we're not going to the forest today, we're going to tois tois, guys. -- toys r us. welcome to the world's greatest toy store! toys r us has really captured the magic of having a stranger take your kids on a bus, lie about where they're going then take off his clothes and promise him toys. but more importantly, more pornly, i want to give a big tip of the hat to toys r us for reminding our kids that nature sucks
, maybe if you shouted "i love you steven." (audience complies. ) i don't know. (laughter) maybe if you whispered it. (audience complies) (laughter) folks, but no, no, i'm just -- i'm just too mad about obamacare, folks. (laughter) you see, the rollout has been one disaster after the next. actually, you can't even get to the next disaster, you get an error page that says 404: disaster not found. (laughter) well, folks, today the healthcare.gov web site has sunk to new dot-lows. jim? >> we've all become familiar with this smiling woman who has graced the front of the health care web site since its launch. well, check this out, she's gone. >> she's now been replaced screen right with some handy icons showing you the different ways you can sign up. no word on why the change. >> stephen: i'll tell you why the change-- death panels got her. (laughter) prove me wrong, obama! folks, this affects me very deeply. over the past month, obamacare lady and i grew very close. (laughter) i mean, we had an instant connection until it disconnected me. (laughter) still, we spent a lot of time together lo
. well -- [laughter] i don't know what he was saying but it clearly looked ike outtakes from "tommy boy." this is where it's going. [laughter] terrible camera work, by the way. has it occurred to mayor rob ford that all these videos of him smoking crack and acting crazy are an indication that even his friends are going, no one is going to believe this (bleep). [ laughter ] and he is so like -- it's clear to me now that he smokes crack to calm himself. [ laughter ] >> it be a -- i don't want to stick my (bleep). >> jon: by the way politifact rated that last statement from the mayor true. [ laughter ] the nfl is full of mysteries like why do the players keep getting concussions and what is up with all the concussions and why do they keep developing brain damage later in life? i guess some mysteries aren't meant to he be solved but last week the curtain was pulled back on the miami dolphins locker room exposing the underbelly of rookie hazing. >> suspended richieage cog neato after allegations he may have bullied jonathan martin so bad he may have left the team. >> jon: first things first,
)? and then we've got these 10 minutes to kill. ah, i don't know! the best part is how "60 minutes" found out the guy was lying. >> we diswoferred the account he-- discovered the account he gave the f.b.i. was different than what he told us. >> jon: what! ( laughter ) if you cannot trust an international mercenary existing in the netherworld twixt assassin and bount hurp, whose very livelihood is predicated on the morality to survive in failed nation-- who can you trust? ( laughter ) it's like finding out santa is real. ( laughter ) spoiler alert! but you know, "60 minutes" is not the only victim here. a certain linforth boregard graham will also pay a price for this man's inslance. you see, blant de gram, has been holding up presidential appointments based on this "60 minutes" report explaining that the f.b.i. reports will vindicate him. >> what the state department did not release is that he was interviewed by the f.b.i. on two separate wroaks he claims to have told the f.b.i. that he went to the compound and he found chris stevens' body at the hospital. this white house has a bad habit of
? >> are you racist? >> am i a racist? (laughter) >> jon: never ask a question you don't know the answer to. (laughter) the media they are just askinging they don't know. everything is happening, they are just passengers on this crazy bus called news. (laughter) >> fear not, for tonight we settle the investigationing questions with our brand-new segment, racist or not racist? jessica william, jason jones, aasif manned very. thank you for joining us. we are very excited about this segment. it's a beautiful segment, a big segment. >> okay, well, first of all that is one weak segment title. (laughter) >> jon: you have a better title. >> yeah, of course i do. >> jon: okay. >> welcome to straight trippers or we cool. >> jon: isn't that title racist. >> oh, yes, definitely, but not if i say it. >> jon: all right, let's go on to our first story if we k we will start this is an easy one if you want, easy one. >> halloween is over but its controversy surrounding a costume is continuing after a boy dressed as a member of the ku klux klan. >> jon: okay, remember we're starting fresh. panel wa, do you
of universal health care. >> jon: ah -- well what is the water? >> i don't know, water is water, jon. what am i robert frost. >> obamacare is obama's 2008 financial crisis. it's the perfect 1 to 1. that was bad. this is bad boom done. >> i have to go with the classics i sat the web site is obama's iraq war because when i think glitchy web site the first thing that comes to my mind is decade long wars started under false pretenses. [ laughter ] and we all remember that press conference. [ laughter ] >> jon: actually that -- if i may, al, that never happened. >> yeah, but it could have. >> jon: all right. if we're looking for a comparison isn't obamacare most like bush's medicare part d program. it was a rollout, flawed a large change in our system but wound up being repaired around working well. >> that say stupid comparison, jon. medicare part d didn't murder anybody. >> jon: but obamacare didn't murder anybody either. >> yet. no one remembers that program. so many tasty terds and you pick the one the raspberry filling thank comparison is your stupid face do the stupid face dance, right? >> jon
, wah (bleep). [ laughter ] and yeah -- that's all i got. [ laughter ] you know what? i don't want to talk about this anymore. let's turn away from washington. let's turn towards the homefront. next thursday is a time to gather with family, to commemorate the feast that native americans prepared for a sphrugling pilgrim settlement, the day we refer to as thanksgiving, and the native americans refer to as an enormous mistake. [laughter] but eat quickly you need your strength. >> almost all the big stores opening earlier than ever. k-mart open agent 6:00 a.m. >> wal-mart, jc penney, big lots, kohls open on thanksgiving. >> jon: every store vinegar world open. dildo depot open, just ger bills, open. (bleep) a bear workshop? open. [cheers and applause] so if you are thinking i guess i have to shop all day but once the stores close i can go home and get a solid 15 minutes of thanksgiving in think again. >> k-mart opening from 41 hours straight. >> jon: do you have any idea what this sneens if someone tramples you for a furby thursday morning they don't find your body until friday night.
the lgbhgtvlmnop crowd, okay. if are you not a premium member of tall women carrying heavy things.com, we don't need your kind around here. nation, you know i loves me the super bowl. it is the stanley cup of sports people actually watch. but lately there has been much controversy in the great game of football. for more this is the sport report. nation-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nation, i cannot begin to tell you how much of our childhood was spent on the gridiron because i have no recollection, should have worn a helmet. and my favorite nfl team is always been the washington redskins. but my team is facing some unnecessary roughness from the pc police. >> will the washington redskins be forced to change its name. at a meeting earlier this week leaders there the united indian nation asked the nfl to sanction team owner daniel snyder for continuing to use what they call a racial slur. >> for us, the r word is the "n" word. >> wrong. it's if the r word was the "n" word i wouldn't be able to say it on the air, watch this, redskin redskin redskin. see? (laughter) totally fine. now let me
for election. mayor ford, we need camera three. [laughter] you need help. and i don't mean help carrying a case of beer down into the basement so you can get drunk enough to smoke crack. i mean help help. let's just talk to toronto for a second. you can go. we want to smoke some crack. [laughter] all right. we're alone now. >> i heard that you met forth's- ford's approval ratings went up after it came out that he smoked crack. [laughter] do you know what that makes you as the city of toronto? enablers, ey. now let me ask you a question. are you waiting for this man to hit rock bottom. are you waiting for him to what text pictures of his [bleep] >> i'm going to say this, i don't know you, i don't live in your city. mayor ford's a lot of fun to ridicule. but my guess is not a lot of fun to all gize and that's where this thing's headed. now even though i will lose precious material, please go to rehab. [laughter] i lose jokes in the short term, of course. but my guess is it's a long term investment. [laughter] you'll be back. get some help. >> now here in the states we're still working out some of
, wrong disaster. (laughter) you know what? you know what? i think cnn's the don lemon put obama's public implosion into the proper perspective. >> you won't find two politicians who've had worse weeks than president obama and toronto mayor rob ford. they've had a pretty bad week. (audience reacts) president obama saying sorry over and over for his so-called signature achievement, obamacare, rob ford admitting to be a crack smoker. (audience reacts). >> stephen: yes, obama is in the same tight spot as toronto's crack-smoking mayor. i mean, the parallels are everywhere, folks. both had press conferences-- and that's it. (laughter) but, folks, comparing the first black president to the first blackout mayor isn't unfair. it's not unfair at all because lemon made sure to ask several times whether it was unfair or not. >> is it fair, though, to compare the two crises? >> no, it's not fair to compare them at all. they're totally different. >> i'll ask you the same question. is it fair to compare the two crises? because it's about damage control not whether the two crises are equivalent. >> exac
audience right there because you know what they don't get to say. here it is your moment of zen. >> is this political correctness gone too far? kevin? >> it doesn't deserve a comment. >> captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, the president does damage control on obamacare. if you like your burst appendix, you can keep it. (laughter) then scandal surrounds a popular clothing line. apparently spanx is not an invitation. and my guest, steve mcqueen is director of the film "12 years a slave." it's the harrowing story of a non-superhero movie being made in hollywood. (laughter) butterball warns there may be a turkey shortage. apparently they were caught off guard by this whole thanksgiving thing. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen"). >> stephen: not bad, not bad! welcome to the "report," everybody, good to have you with us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. folks, tonight -- folks, thank you. i -- i thank you. i than
to be just like the american people and enter the exchange and agree to find a way to do that. i don't care. >> it is illegal. >> stewart: did you hear her? it is illegal. doesn't stop him. well, breaking the law! i encourage you to join billions of, millions of americans who break the law every day. i was, impressive grandstanding, with delivered with panache, but let this missouri congressman tell you how not to take no hypothetical force a moment. >> if it is possible for you to go into the exchange, like all of these millions of americans that are going to the exchanges, will you commit to forego your government insurance plan you are on now and join us in the pool? >> sir, the way the law is written -- >> it is a yes or no. let's say you are wrong on that. yes or no, if you are wrong -- >> i don't want to -- >> stewart: madam secretary, ar, ar, a r, the let's say hypothetically, let's say the south won the war and you, you yourself have a terrible nut allergy would you join? >> let me try this. zero oh, let me finish! if americans spoke french and, would you then sign up for obamacar
♪ jumping jolly till the end ♪ ♪ i wanna be your friend ♪ i wanna be your ♪ best friend i don't want you to be my girl ♪ ♪ i wanna be your - you want a ham sandwich? - yes! [harmonica music] - wonk, wonk. . >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. [ cheers and applause ] >> >> stewart: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight, my guest tonight, mark fainaru-wada, he has written a book that has rocked the nfl about concussions, wrote it with his brother, fabulous book, happy halloween. >> like one month old, it is just lying there pooping its pants and age gering anyone who who it is not related to. well, yesterday the house energy and commerce committee held the much anticipated hearing, with kathleen sebelius, let's see her try to wiggle out of accountability for this mess. >> let me say directly to the americans you deserve better. i apologize. i am accountable to you for fixing these problems. >> stewart: that was weird. i wonder if her apology will in any way affect any certain grandstand
are in charge now. take this. don't let black friday be the end. >> get back inside. we have work to do. >> when we started this fight it was because we were tired of xbox people telling us playstation sucked. now we're an army of our own. >> i can't guarantee you will live, but i can guarantee before this is is over the winner of the console wars will be decided. our new leader has joined us to make sure the system is the ps4. all hail the princess >> the princess. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. thank you for joining us. our guests tonight shall we're excited about this from the hill aruous television program key and peele, we have keele and pee on the show tonight. chors plaus. >> jon: lucky was farsd, man, those dudes are funny. if you are anything like me, you can't digest milkment but also-- (laughter) you watch a lot of television news. and if you do you might have noticed the question that is increas
. obviously we don't have the audio of what kerry said to zarif. i'm pretty good lip reader. just going to -- that is john kerry and he is going, you, appointed you and then they go to him and he's like ahhhhh. i'm laughing because he pointed. [laughter] we really gotta get the audio for that. [ laughter ] looks like everybody is in a good mood. this say real deal, man, a done deal. >> it turned out that the deal could not be struck. secretary kerry left geneva empty handed. >> jon: i guess zarif don't like it. rocking the treaty. rocking the treaty. [ laughter ] i'm sure kerry didn't leave empty handed if his instagram is any indication. yeah. [ laughter ] mother (bleep) loves some mini bar! [laughter] what happened to the deal? what happened? >> secretary kerry says an interim deal on iran's nuclear program was extremely close but in the end the iranians walked away. >> jon: iranians walked away. son of a bitch. >> that didn't set well with the iranian counterpart who fired back a different version of events. >> jon: ruthroh? >> he pointed the finger firmly at the west. mr. secretary
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 142 (some duplicates have been removed)